System Restore...

I guess all of you know that previously I was damn stress

never want to deny about that, and now I still feel stress but not that much already

I wish my life can like the laptop, whenever somethings wrong, just choose system restore and everything will be fine and Okay already..

Yet this the reality, So that means I need to take off the fantasy and walk back to the reality life.

Previously, when I talked to Grace regarding the changes in me,

I was quite shock when she told me that the changes that she sensed in me was that the friendliness of mine..

She told me that previously I was hard to approach, not as friendly as now

I never thought I was that obvious.

I guess that's because of my defense mechanism.

I tend to put myself on a mask to protect myself

and I don't actually know since when I was like that,

was it after the Matriculation time?

Was it after the secondary school period?

Honestly, I have no idea...

Talking back to my secondary school period,

there wasn't much that I can say about

I think that time I was not easy to approach as well

Senior once told me that I was COOL

Back to my classroom, classmates say I was fierce and irritating

When I knew that they think that I was irritating,

I was quite sad, really, SAD..

and no one actually know what I felt..

I guess since I really get myself into mature duration,

these things never stop happening

Am I too rational that I always spoiled things?

especially during that stupid adolescent time?

Sometimes, I asked myself, why?

why should I be mature that early?

Why I just cant enjoy that time as innocent and as stupid as others?

Why must I think that much?

Why my social skills that poor?

hundred and thousand of questions ran through my mind,

just hope to get an answer...

talking back to the conversation with Grace,

she said that I was so good in hiding my emotions

because she always see me in a very cheerful, happy mode rather than the sad mode that I claimed..

Never deny about that, I was hiding

I was not used to telling people about my problems

and sometimes, I hope that I can

just that I really not used to it

My dad used to be the one, I guess is just him..

at least now is just him..

Even my closest friends, I never tell them at the moment that I feel bad or sad

I'll tell them afterward, during the once in awhile gathering

I guess this is me, ya, this is what make up ME!!!

Hope that I can now at least try to tell someone other than my dad

Hope that this stupid defense mechanism will disappear

Hope that everything will like system restore,

once restore and things getting back to NORMAL mode

宁静的夜_我的回忆

今天，感觉上没有要温习的心情

刚刚回想了过去19年来自己的心态

*

从小，我就是一个很爱逞强、爱面子、不服输的小孩

不懂何时开始，成绩就是我证明我实力的方法

我从来就不懂被抛在后头的感觉是如何

因为我从来就不曾..

一直到小六结束时，

UPSR成绩出炉了， 而我可笑的竟是被抛在后头的~~

我一直引以为傲的华文作文，竟然是害我跌倒的！！

*

跌倒过，明白了那种被人抛在后头的感觉了

所以我很奋力的念书

我想证明说我比别人都强

想证明给嘲笑我的人

*

终于，我的付出得到了回报

从此，我就很害怕失败的感觉

所谓失败不是什么

而是被抛在后头的感觉

*

或许我很幸运

也或许我真的很拼

一直到我中五毕业

我的成绩都是标青的

至少在我家人眼中是！

至少我能做到让父母感到光荣的女儿

至少让出身于咖啡店的我们向别人证明说我们是强的

因为我知道，

其实妈妈没说但她是自卑的

当看到父母脸上的光荣，

让我感到欣慰

至少我为我们家争光了

*

这种念头到了预科班时

更是强烈了~~

我告诉自己，

只要辛苦那一年

一年就好了

痛苦过了，彩虹就会来到我的世界了

我很想在Matric时拿到4Flat

好让父母可以光荣的告诉人家说，

“我女儿Matric是4Flat毕业的”

至少我的人生中曾经拿过4Flat

感谢天，祂让我的梦成真了

*

现在，

到了大学第二年了

什么感觉都没有了

不管是为了不被抛在后头还是要为了父母而争光

都好像撼动不了我了

*

距离考试越来越近了，

而我却到现在没能解决此困境

怎么办呢？？

我不想看到父母脸上失望的表情

我不想看到自己得到成绩是晴天霹雳的表情

我不想说1st Year辛苦累计的成绩被这次连累

还有很都很多的不想，

但我还是提不起劲

只能告诉自己加油咯~~

尽力就好吧！！

害怕

生平第一次，我感到害怕了

害怕考试的来临

时间越来越少

成功装进脑子里的并没有越来越多

没把握啊！！！

*

除了考试

昨天，我真的害怕了

我房间出现了两只大蜘蛛

不懂只有两只还是还有更多

就在解决蜘蛛的霎那

感到异常的害怕

是发出内心的怕

*

大蜘蛛

从小就是我的唯一死穴

很怕

真的很怕

*

虽然害怕

但我依然把它们解决了

盼望说

我也能如此冷静的解决我的另一恐惧

changes in me...

I believe that me that you are looking now or knowing now is not the same as the me in the past..
Dare not say huge changes in me..
but I think I really change a lot la..

Changes are good, by the way..
I was once very hot tempter, impatient, rude
er.. although not much improvement
but at least the degree of each bad characteristic already decrease lo..

I'm still learning,
how to become a better person..
through all the social interactions
There's no one in this world is perfect de..
but I hope I can be a better person than now la..

We all learn from mistakes and obstacles
It makes us more strong and tough
and from there we know what's our weaknesses and strength..
After knowing that, then we can try to build up the strength and overcome the weaknesses..

I admit that I'm not a really "good" person...
As I mentioned in the profile description,
I am a quite "radical" person,
when I "beh song" that time I'll directly show out de..
I won't care so much la..
and perhaps because of that, I 得罪lots of people..

Haiz, what to do?
Sometimes really cannot control myself..
At least now better le
because at least now I can tahan not to release the anger out in front of that person...

Sharing all these just because I realise that there's really quite a lot of changes in me la..
If you know me since I was young, then I believe you get what I mean de..
hehe^^

Random~~

Was wondering what to do now~~

assignments still haven't really finish but.. not feeling doing it..

exam is coming and haven't really revision but.. not feeling starting it..

Lastly, think of writing something in this blog site lo~~

Yesterday I found out that my younger sister is currently facing some friendship problem

Thought of can talk to her in MSN or phone de.

but she seems like already go to bed le..

Never mind, I shall call her tomorrow la..

Thinking about her problems,

then I realize that she is actually facing the kind of same thing that I faced in the past..

Not knowing whether this is just a coincident or all the friendship problems are alike la..

Really hope that MM will handle the problem with wisdom lo..

Besides that, I was still wondering about my Psycho-drama..

According to Mr. Boe, it was impressive!!! although I don't know where's the part that impress him la..

Not only that, I think that it is a very simple story line wo~~

Plus we just practice for few hours on that day itself..

Hmm.. really should thank God la..

By the way, Mr. Boe is really a very nice person la

He so nice at sharing his knowledge and feel so glad that he is our tutor

although sometimes his homeworks and assignments almost drive me crazy!!!

Yesterday also,

I went pasar malam with Grace and Siew Chee..

It was a wonderful trip

I spend around RM35 within a single night

Including the transport and also one RM5 de T-Shirt which is very dai de!!!

The rest of it would be food lo~~

haha.. can imagine how much food that I eat within that particular night lo~~

Overall, it was fun... although just 3 of us.. ^^

This post is really random de lo..

I think of anything then me jao write lo..

a bit messy

a bit unrelated to each other

a bit ... too... LAME!!!

:p

New blog template

I just updated the blog template into a new one..
still it is green colour in major..
Because I like green.. ^^

changing the blog template means I lost some of the gadget as well..
so, I make some changes lo..

Personally, I like this new blog template..
seems cool and more artistic compare to the previous one...

Hope you guys like it as well lo~~
^_^

幸福

我发现自己真的很幸福

我身边有很多很多关心我的人

尤其当我post上上个部落时

身边的朋友都很关心

很想在这里告诉大家

我没事了~~

冷战即将步入和解了

因为我终于学会了放下

倍感孤独的中秋

今年的中秋

并没有回家

感到异常的孤独

人家说，独在异乡为异客，每逢佳节倍思亲

现在的我

终于明白了

*

最近，为了面子和口气

跟姐姐闹得很不愉快

即使明白说那只是很小的一回事

我始终拉不下脸

即使姐姐已经不顾面子的拉下脸

我还是很狠心的把它推开

*

爱面子的我

总是喜欢把自己弄得进退两难的地步

很倔强地不愿道歉

很固执地坚守着自己的原则

*

其实我很想大哭一场

告诉她，其实她深深地伤到我了

也想告诉她，其实我很敏感

很想告诉她，我没有她想象中的坚强

我也会想要有依赖人的时刻

否则，我不会不时不时往她家跑

因为我渴望被人呵护的感觉

*

当事情发生后

没有谅解也没有原谅

我很想不计前嫌

可是我始终忘不了那被人背叛的感觉

就连爸爸，我也开不了口告诉他

这一切一切就这样埋在我的心里几个星期了

*

表面上的我好像若无其事

可是我知道

我的心是寒的

是失望的

是孤独的

*

当这样的我遇上了今年的中秋，

我崩溃了